Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
