I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
