If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm too high and old for this...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
