I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
