if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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