we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
