She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Acid is not a monday night drug
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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