I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
