I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
