Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
