Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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