i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
