Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
