Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
