the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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