I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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