smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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