how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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