Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
