i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
