I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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