I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
