this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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