I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
