his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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