I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
When are your genitals available?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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