i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
