I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
