i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
