Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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