Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
