eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
