When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The ass gains better be worth it
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