so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Randomize
