I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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