Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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