she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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