I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
