what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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