So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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