she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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