I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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