ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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