There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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