all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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