you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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