ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
