Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
