Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
