Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
