Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
