i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm too high and old for this...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
