Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Someone shattered a urinal.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
