remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you would pick up someone in the library
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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