Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Every concussion has its silver lining
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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