bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We are all done wearing pants today
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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